an element of wise choices: reasoning consequences

When we take a time out and teach our children about something specific that is wrong, do we give them the whole picture?

I do not necessarily mean when they are very small, and we are simply training obedience; but when they are taller, older, more able to reason out a situation. Say, maybe when they are 4 or 5 years old {some may be younger, others older... just a general age here}.

I know that my 8 year old is able to rationalize things she wants to have or do. She understands consequences, even if she does not always think them through: It might be fun to run across the parking lot, but if you are not looking for cars... they might not be looking for you either.

My 5 year old understands actions and consequences fairly well: I should not wave that stick around in the house because I might hit someone or break something...

My 4 year old is learning. And if you can keep her from melting down too quickly {working on that, too!, she can be reasoned with. She understands when it is explained: No, you cannot sit on your baby brother even if all you want to to is hug him because he will then scream at you and pull your hair, and you do not like that. {seriously, that is how she "loves" on him.}

I cannot tell my girls that doing those things are not fun to make them not do them.

Because they ARE fun.

Some things are not necessarily wrong. But when the are done in a wrong way or time or place, they become sin.

And sin is often "fun." 


Racing a friend to your class across the parking lot IS fun. And running is not bad. Twirling around the house with your princess wand... that's FUN. Trying to love your baby brother, that is so sweet! It's a good thing, right?

But I am failing them if I do not teach them to reason out and think through the whole situation.

There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death. Proverbs 14:12

Now, I am not saying that each of these specific scenarios will result in death if my child chooses to do it; but they each CAN result in hurt.

And it is part of my responsibility as Momma to teach them that while sin, even  thoughtless behavior, can be fun, we must consider any possible consequences before choosing to partake.

And which consequence is worse: having fun while racing in a parking lot and risking being hit by a car [which is WHY Mommy asks you not to do so] OR possibly being called a name for choosing to walk calmly and with a bit of decorum.

Choosing rather to suffer affliction [being called names or mocked? that is painful for any person] with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season [that exhilaration of racing... it's fun!]; Esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures in Egypt [God will reward your doing right]: for he had respect unto the recompence [looked at the possible consequences and chose the eternal reward of doing right over the singular pleasure of doing wrong]  of the reward. Hebrews11:25, 26

While I expect unquestioning obedience [though I have not always taught it consistently], after they have obeyed I sometimes talk to them about possible consequences if they had chosen to disobey.

And on the flip-side, when they choose to disobey and are facing those consequences, I speak to them about the reward they forfeited to have that little pleasure.

...Each child is different. There is not formula or cut & dry system to this.They understand different illustrations and often require different amounts and types of correction.

But every child must be taught how to reason, how to determine if a seemingly inconsequential action or activity does, indeed, have consequences, what those might be, and understand the personal responsibility of deciding if the momentary "pleasures" are worth it.

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healing will come

I know that there are several of you who visit frequently that are not on facebook. So I thought I would share this link here as well. 

I had many thoughts the last few weeks... about my country [America] and about the elections that took place yesterday. As disappointing as the outcome was, I truly am not discouraged. 

I am CONVICTED! 

And as I contemplated how to convey my thoughts... I was met with this post by a friend this morning: I Will Heal.

I will not restate all of her thoughts, but I will say that God HAS promised healing to His people... [and yes, I realize that verse is spoken directly to Israel... but I believe the principle holds true to all who follow Him] 

...but this healing is CONDITIONAL. He will not bring it upon a proud and unrepentant people.

As my Pastor often says: where there is LIFE there is HOPE. Hope for salvation. Hope for peace inside. Hope for life beyond this one.

And in the same turn: 

where there is HUMILITY there is this promise... of healing. 

Please read her post... 

{also, I am doing Days of Thankfulness on my facebook page... and will do a summary post of them at the end of the month....}

the soul's delight {day 29}

DISCLAIMER: I have no illusions that my children are perfect. Their teachers tell me when they have done wrong to prove it! ...and we have correction discussions multiple times daily. It takes W.O.R.K.  And I do realize their ARE children who require extra effort... and I have no idea how I would handle them, except that God promises to give us grace for our own trials and not another's.  And those few times I have received praises... they often come back to haunt me when we have shameful days. I fail everyday. I correct in haste with an unkind voice more often than I would care to admit. I do not train when I should {because it takes T.I.M.E.}. But every time, I know that I have a Loving Heavenly Father who is ready to hold my hand and walk me through it... one-more-time. over-and-over-again. daily.

From Proverbs 29
The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. [verse 15]

Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul. [verse 17]

Several times through the book of Proverbs, child correcting and training and the rod are mentioned. And it is spoken of twice in this one chapter! 

{While I do believe there is a right and a wrong way to physically punish a child, that is not the point today!}

The fact that I must give correction... I must reprove [tell them they are wrong] and train [show/tell them how to be right] my children...

that is the point.

And these two verses give the basic reasons why.

Children will not learn wisdom [how to think and act with discretion, in a way pleasing to the Lord] without correction and discipline and training. And often punishment is involved [the rod]. Reproof and correction are not punishment... just a 'time out' or spanking or whatever method is employed for punishing wrong- that is not training. Punishment alone is not the answer, but it is a vital part.

 

we must walk this path of life WITH them

As parents, we must take the time- and as a mother I have much more opportunity to do this than my husband... and often fall very short- to speak with and train our children- a kind, loving voice instructing our children what is right, how toys are to be put away, how siblings are to be treated, etc.

Truly, as in verse 15, when we leave untrained, uncorrected children all alone... the mothers are shamed- often to the point of reprimanding in anger [BEEN THERE!]. 

But when loving reproof and training have been employed by {preferably} both mother and father... those children will give rest to whomever is in charge of them, with just a soft word of correction. They will be a delight unto their parent's souls.

Others can tell when a child has had loving correction and consistent discipline [both the rod and the training, hand in hand]... because they will make comments like: "oh, your children are so well-behaved" {to which I try to reply: "They are God's gift to me!"}... or "how do you make them all behave?" {to which I just smile {and try not to crack up laughing}! most people do not really want to know that sometimes crying is involved...}

noticing a mote {day 10}

One of the passages I read this morning was in Luke 6... where the Lord Jesus says:

Can the blind lead the blind? shall they not both fall into the ditch? ...why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye? ... Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye. [select from verses 39-42]

Usually I hear this passage preached or spoken of as a reason for "not judging" your brother... And I like this quote I have seen recently: "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you." which implies that we all sin, because we do!... but there ARE appropriate times and places to give judgment.

And I don't think I'm going where you think I'm going... {smiles}.

I am turning the tables on myself here.

Often, I find myself disciplining my children... for acting: just-like-me! 

Not - how I acted when I was a child {that's another post!}, but how I acted... - yesterday.

I see the mote in my brother's [child's] eye but NOT in my own, until it has driven me crazy... in my child's life! 

Recently, and again this morning, I have purposed to asking God to help me see the beam/mote/problem in my own life before the same thing in my children causes me frustrations. 

Because- while I can punish them for doing wrong and teach them about what is appropriate and kind, etc. {as I should!} -until I actually acknowledge [that's the hardest part] and change these situations in my own life, all the teaching and disciplining and punishing will be counter-productive!

And then the Lord gives grace and wisdom for me to deal with the same in my children's lives. {It is always a lesson in patience.}

{Being a mother is one of the 

most rewarding things I have ever done, 

but it is also quite humbling! :)}

is my help destructive?

As parents, our natural instinct is to protect our children. from all evil and harm. and that is part of a parent's responsibility. 

But another part is to teach and train. And this is where the protection instinct needs to step aside at times [oh, how hard that is!].

When our children are very small, we [parents] are pretty much the only ones who correct and discipline our children. teaching manners, kindness, and self-control with love and patience [sometimes begging God for that proper spirit].

But when my children are older and leave me every day to attend school or go to an age-appropriate Sunday school or even just go to a friends house for an afternoon, what do I teach them about authority? about responsibility? about respect?

It mostly stems from how I react to others correcting my child. [it also is learned by how I respect/obey my own authority-but that's another post].

I must realize that my child is a sinner [aren't we all? Romans 3:23] and he/she WILL do wrong. and need correction. at school or a friend's house. even in children's church. 

And in order to teach them respect for authority, I must be willing to allow other people to have authority and correct my child. And I, as the parent, must also be willing to enforce their obedience to that other authority. Otherwise I will be teaching my child that I, the parent, can take their responsibility of obedience on my own shoulders. and one day she would have a very rude awakening.

Galatians 6:7,8- Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. [We will all reap the consequences from our OWN actions. and we must TEACH this truth to our children.]

If I do not teach the reality of consequences---

Romans 4:11,12- As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God. So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God. [we are each responsible for our own actions]

and

I Peter 4: 3-5- For the time past of our life may suffice us to have wrought the will of the Gentiles, when we walked in lasciviousness, lusts, excess of wine, revellings, banquetings, and abominable idolatries:  wherein they think it strange that ye run not with them to the same excess of riot, speaking evil of you: who shall give account to him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead. [there will be those who do not understand when we choose to live differently, but God will judge]

---then, when our children are all grown up, they will likely continue to expect Dad and Mom to bail them out when they have done wrong. and will probably live as though you can bail them out in heaven, too.

And here is the point: 

There comes a time [earlier than you might expect and years before they become a teenager!] when I cannot and should not protect my children from themselves. and the consequences of their actions. This is how they learn responsibility and integrity.

Deliverance 
before a lesson is learned 
is DESTRUCTIVE.

 and I do not want to destroy the most precious gifts God has given me!